Dear best friend who is dating my ex,
I am not angry that you chose to date an ex of mine. I was never angry for that reason. I was however angry that you chose one that painted me the villain and held so much animosity towards me, when I did nothing wrong. He even in fact lied about a few big important facts in the relationship and how it ended and you were aware of this, yet you continued to be his friend. Now many things can cross my mind about this situation I suppose. If you like him now then you liked him then when he was my boyfriend. And that strikes me as…disrespectful. Though we cannot control our feelings we can control weather or not to act upon them. However I applaud you for waiting til after we had broken up. Still even so, if he were chill about the whole thing, and was like yeah we just wanted different things and it didn’t work out but no hard feelings, I have thought about this very much and would ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with the two of you together. After all, I only dated him one month long distance and I am the one that decided that he was not the person for me. And it was simple as that. You don’t have to have a reason to break up with someone besides the fact that you don’t like them anymore. You just don’t see yourself with this person. There doesn’t have to be a big dramatic reason, like he wasn’t ambitious enough, or he was letting you be the bread winner and doing nothing. He went to jail, he cheated, WHATEVER. You are not a bad person if you just don’t like the person and decide to go a different way in life. You’ve never seemed to understand that however, always burdened down by imagined guilt you place on yourself for ruining their lives by leaving. And sure maybe in some cases…you did. Who cares. Back to the point, this is the person you chose. Yet another person who doesn’t like me and will be happy to go over all my shortcomings with you. You’ve often told me your family and exes always asked you why you were even friends with a person like me. So I imagine, you had to paint me in some pretty ad lighting for them to ask that when they didn’t even know me on a personal level. So WHY are you friends with me if all you ever had to say to other people are bad things about me? What if I told you that my father would tell me I just needed to cut you out of my life because he didn’t understand why I was even friends with you? How would that make you feel? Besides all this, you replaced me. While I was dying inside and trying to survive and though I was distant I was not trying to be cruel to you. I was trying to find a will to live and that’s where all my energy was on a literal minute to minute basis, you replaced me with my ex-boyfriend. So in addition to losing everything that was ever mine, everything I ever built for myself though it never I know compared to what you built for yourself. I lost my apartment, my 4 runner, my sense of independence, my trust in my personal relationship….the way I raised my children was not even mine anymore. I had lost my family to be replaced with someone else’s family. When Jack died I cried so hard because that was literally the last thing left that was mine. You were already someone else’s best friend. My exes best friend to be exact. So I took time, lots of time to myself to figure out what I wanted from my life and my relationships. I took weeks of silence from everyone to find a way to forgive and let go of anger. Let go of vengeance. Over this time you messeged me at least 3 times about our relationship and how I must be so upset over the Ex issue or how I wasn’t being a good enough friend to you and all this other stuff that I just didn’t see the point in talking about. But I would tell you each time not to worry about it that it is a natural thing to grow distant with friends at certain times because lives get busy and hectic, and sometimes because lives get quiet and humble which was more my case. But again you have messeged me to tell me that you love him and just can’t stay away from him and you’re sorry. To me, all these long texts just seem like preludes to a breakup. Like you’re looking for a breakup with me so that you can fully focus on being with him and not worry about me anymore. Like you want me to get angry and give you an ultimatum so that you can have a GOOD REASON to break up the friend ship. You don’t need a reason B. The damage is done to our friendship and it will never be the same so you might as well go and do what you were gonna do anyway all along. I am not sending you ill will. I’m not hoping for the worst, stewing in my plotting and revenge, I am just accepting that things drift in and out, that just because someone isn’t the same person they used to be doesn’t make them a bad person and that most of all, I am truly happy for the good times that we had. Truly grateful for everything we have done for eachother, and hopeful that it will return to that in it’s own natural way. I know you would love nothing more than for me to be ready and willing and for none of this to have hurt me so that you can have us both in the condition you want us in. But as I have tried telling you all our long years together, you will not always be able to get exactly what you want. So if you are looking for a clean break that is fine. But what I would prefer is to just take the pressure off this relationship and let it drift in and out as all truly strong ones do. xxxx, S.