Dear best friend dating my ex,

Dear best friend who is dating my ex,

I am not angry that you chose to date an ex of mine. I was never angry for that reason. I was however angry that you chose one that painted me the villain and held so much animosity towards me, when I did nothing wrong. He even in fact lied about a few big important facts in the relationship and how it ended and you were aware of this, yet you continued to be his friend. Now many things can cross my mind about this situation I suppose. If you like him now then you liked him then when he was my boyfriend. And that strikes me as…disrespectful. Though we cannot control our feelings we can control weather or not to act upon them. However I applaud you for waiting til  after we had broken up. Still even so, if he were chill about the whole thing, and was like yeah we just wanted different things and it didn’t work out but no hard feelings, I have thought about this very much and would ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with the two of you together. After all, I only dated him one month long distance and I am the one that decided that he was not the person for me. And it was simple as that. You don’t have to have a reason to break up with someone besides the fact that you don’t like them anymore. You just don’t see yourself with this person. There doesn’t have to be a big dramatic reason, like he wasn’t ambitious enough, or he was letting you be the bread winner and doing nothing. He went to jail, he cheated, WHATEVER. You are not a bad person if you just don’t like the person and decide to go a different way in life. You’ve never seemed to understand that however, always burdened down by imagined guilt you place on yourself for ruining their lives by leaving. And sure maybe in some cases…you did. Who cares. Back to the point, this is the person you chose. Yet another person who doesn’t like me and will be happy to go over all my shortcomings with you. You’ve often told me your family and exes always asked you why you were even friends with a person like me. So I imagine, you had to paint me in some pretty ad lighting for them to ask that when they didn’t even know me on a personal level. So WHY are you friends with me if all you ever had to say to other people are bad things about me? What if I told you that my father would tell me I just needed to cut you out of my life because he didn’t understand why I was even friends with you? How would that make you feel? Besides all this, you replaced me. While I was dying inside and trying to survive and though I was distant I was not trying to be cruel to you. I was trying to find a will to live and that’s where all my energy was on a literal minute to minute basis, you replaced me with my ex-boyfriend. So in addition to losing everything that was ever mine, everything I ever built for myself though it never I know compared to what you built for yourself. I lost my apartment, my 4 runner, my sense of independence, my trust in my personal relationship….the way I raised my children was not even mine anymore. I had lost my family to be replaced with someone else’s family. When Jack died I cried so hard because that was literally the last thing left that was mine. You were already someone else’s best friend. My exes best friend to be exact. So I took time, lots of time to myself to figure out what I wanted from my life and my relationships. I took weeks of silence from everyone to find a way to forgive and let go of anger. Let go of vengeance. Over this time you messeged me at least 3 times about our relationship and how I must be so upset over the Ex issue or how I wasn’t being a good enough friend to you and all this other stuff that I just didn’t see the point in talking about. But I would tell you each time not to worry about it that it is a natural thing to grow distant with friends at certain times because lives get busy and hectic, and sometimes because lives get quiet and humble which was more my case. But again you have messeged me to tell me that you love him and just can’t stay away from him and you’re sorry. To me, all these long texts just seem like preludes to a breakup. Like you’re looking for a breakup with me so that you can fully focus on being with him and not worry about me anymore. Like you want me to get angry and give you an ultimatum so that you can have a GOOD REASON to break up the friend ship. You don’t need a reason B. The damage is done to our friendship and it will never be the same so you might as well go and do what you were gonna do anyway all along. I am not sending you ill will. I’m not hoping for the worst, stewing in my plotting and revenge, I am just accepting that things drift in and out, that just because someone isn’t the same person they used to be doesn’t make them a bad person and that most of all, I am truly happy for the good times that we had. Truly grateful for everything we have done for eachother, and hopeful that it will return to that in it’s own natural way.  I know you would love nothing more than for me to be ready and willing and for none of this to have hurt me so that you can have us both in the condition you want us in. But as I have tried telling you all our long years together, you will not always be able to get exactly what you want. So if you are looking for a clean break that is fine. But what I would prefer is to just take the pressure off this relationship and let it drift in and out as all truly strong ones do.    xxxx, S.

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Asleep.

“Don’t feel bad for me, I want you to know, deep in the cell of my heart I will feel glad to go.” -The Cure

No matter what I do I’ll never be her. I’ll never be associated with basketball and the good old days. Who was on the sidelines as he played. She’s a million memories he never says out loud. I just want to go home. I just want to go home and I want to quit trying and I just want to be at peace. This note will never be taken seriously unless I’m dead, like all things took for granted. “If she’s still here, then it’s not that bad.” But I’m getting ready to go. One day, I will be brave. Even when I’m dead he still won’t hate her. He’ll porbably end up with her in a year and a half. But I will be asleep.

 

 

Brave;

black pistol with bullet shell in mid air
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

I got this semi colon tattoo to show support for suicide survivors. But thats not the case. I applaud you for commiting to something so final. THAT is brave. We are the cowards, to afraid of hell or the unknown to take ourselves out. I wish I were that brave. You hear about the mother who kills her children and herself and you curse her, “Why didnt she just kill herself? How selfish of her to take her children.” But when a mother does that very thing you curse her still for being selfish amd leaving them behind. No she wasnt selfish. She was tired and broken and brave. And you can never know the fight she fought and lost. I will never be good enough. I will never be her. Ill never be worth faithfullness. I am not brave for living like this. I am the coward who cant pull the trigger. And you are all the selfish ones, asking us to stay.

To Start…

I was a single mother of two. I started from scratch after my divorce in a goverment funded apartment and a waitressing job and a broken heart.  My 4runner was precarious at best but it was mine. The furniture I eventually filled the apartment with was either gifted, thrift store, or garage sale but it was mine. I rebuilt myself over the 4 years I lived there, even learned to love myself.

And then I met my now husband.He had a tragic story, had been on proabation his whole adult life and his life was just work and home.  We were just for fun at first, but then I fell in love with him. He never fell in love with me though he said it first. After a few short months I began to worry that I would never compare to his exes. One his highschool sweetheart who looked like a movie star, one the girl everyone wanted to be or wanted to be with who also looked like a movie star, and a stripper who looked like a stripper. I should have listened to my insecurities then. Should have let it be just a fling.

But I moved in with him into his grandmothers house. Gave up my apartment, my home. Traded in the 4runner for a Focus that could get me to my new job that I hated to make more money to get our own place. His friends became my friends, his family my family. Everyone thanked me for bringing a smile back to his face. Happiness back to his life. But darkness seeped in as I knew I just could not compare to what he had before. I was born painfully average. An unremarkable life.

Depression consumed me. And even though he reassured me daily, I just had a feeling….

We got our own house in January of 2017. My two children, cat of 13 years Jack, and many more animals we added filled it. I started to feel better. Maybe we had made it. But But there were still times when I went to turn the volume down on his phone that he would snatch it away from me, that I got this sinking feeling.

On February 23, 2017, he stayed home work because he didn’t feel well and was tired. My dad came over in the evening and I took his phone away from him so that he would nap. With my father there, he didn’t fight me for it and he went to lie down in the bedroom. My daughter wanted my phone but I gave her his instead. I didn’t watch her as I talked to my dad. Then I heard, “Who is this?” It was a picture of a fully nude girl in front of the shower. I quickly took the phone away thinking she had logged on and he hadn’t logged off the last porn site. I know guys watch porn. But then I realized she wasn’t on the web. She was in his pictures. And I recognized this girl. The stripper. It was screen shotted from snapchat the day after my birthday that past November.

I asked my father to leave and told the kids to watch TV and not bother mommy. I texted the animal shelter I volunteered for every thursday night and told them I wouldn’t be able to clean that night. Calmly I went into the bedroom and shook him awake, tears streaming down my face. I confronted him and started to quietly pack my things and cry. At first he was confused and told me that the picture was from a long time ago. Before us. “It’s from the day after my birthday.” I told him as I handed him his phone for him to see for himself. He looked at it and didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He started to cry and ask me not to go. She had only sent the picture and like an idiot he saved it. He never talked to her or met with her. It was only the once. Nothing like that would ever happen again. I didn’t believe him then nor do I believe him now, but sadly, he was the only person I wanted to comfort me.

The next month was grueling. I broke down frequently. Finally it came to a point, either I left or I needed to be sure that it was worth it for me to stay and go through the process of forgiving and forgetting. I bought a ring and on March 13th, 2017 I asked him to marry me. He said yes immediately and started telling everyone. It helped for a little bit. Planning a wedding. There were still break downs and times where I was just plain mean to him, but he took it all. Any time I cried he held me and cried. I knew he was sorry. I KNEW he would never do anything like that again. He hadn’t thought of consequences. He hadn’t thought of what it would do to me. He had never felt so sorry for doing something to someone in probably his whole life.

We were married on July 22nd, 2017. I was ok for a couple of months. By November, I was the closest I had ever been to suicide in my whole life. I finally told him I had plans to do something. That I couldn’t be that sad anymore, and that I didn’t want help, but wanted him to be prepared. Of course he told my friends and an intervention was held. With him knowing how bad it was, it seemed to help heal me in that way. I didn’t think about suicide as a valid option anymore, and here we are. Here I am, an unremarkable human to this day, insecurities still rampant and resentment starting to brew. I don’t know if the bad out weighs the good. That’s what I’m hoping getting this all out and away from inside me helps me figure out.